The Lost Art of Speaking to Strangers

By: Anisa Chandra

When was the last time that you spoke to a stranger? In a world full of machines working fast-food jobs and headphones to block out conversations, we as a specieshave made it extremely easy for ourselves to avoid unwanted conversation. However, this has led to what NPR names the “loneliness epidemic” — as we isolate ourselves, we lose the connections that make us happy. Throughout this article, we’ll explore the importance of connecting with strangers and that maybe the most important conversations are with those we’ll never speak to again.

I’m sure you’ve heard of the term ‘stranger danger’. You’ve probably had it demonstrated to you via skits, songs, and long parental conversations. And not to insult the fears of parents and children alike, but stranger danger was simply caused by mass hysteria. According to BBC (1), the chances of you being abducted by a stranger are actually incredibly low — it’s the relatives, neighbors, and family friends in your life that pose a real threat. According to political scientist Dietlind Stolle of McGill University, stranger danger has ruined an entire generation’s ability to trust other people. However, the factless concept of stranger danger isn’t the only reason why most of us avoid talking to our elevator companions, Uber drivers, and baristas. British psychologist Gillian Sandstrom says that we believe we’re worse conversationalists than we actually are, which causes us to avoid conversing with strangers. Not everything is bad news, however; according to the American Psychological Association (2), not only did people underestimate how much they would like their conversation partner, but people also underestimated how much their conversation partner would like them. So chances are, you aren’t horrible at small talk with strangers; you just have low self-confidence.

But there are a couple of other reasons that we avoid strangers, aside from stranger danger and crippling self-confidence — we as humans have a tendency to judge conversations before they start, and cultural differences with openness make it hard to connect with those from different cultures. As Gillian Sandstrom stated earlier, and as numerous psychologists have confirmed (Epley & Schroeder, Citation2014; Gunaydin, Oztekin et al., Citation2020; Sandstrom & Dunn, Citation2014), we often underestimate how pleasant a conversation with a stranger might be. For example, if I tell you to picture a conversation with a random person in a coffee shop, you might picture it as being dull, boring, or uninteresting. In reality, however, it would probably be enjoyable, and you might even learn something. For me personally, I’ve learned about what got every single one of my friends’ parents into their respective jobs, simply because I’ve spoken to them instead of sitting with them in silence. In fact,  actually forgot how much I love hearing people talk about their passions until I heard a middle-aged man discuss why he loves software engineering. Cultural differences in openness also play a larger role than many people would like to admit. INSEAD professor Erin Meyer (3) separates cultures into two large groups: peaches and coconuts. In peach cultures like the US and Brazil, conversations with a stranger may be open and pleasant, but it’s unlikely that they’ll lead to lifelong connections. However, in coconut countries such as France, though conversations may start unpleasantly, they continue to lead to lifelong connections. These differences can lead to someone in a “peach” country believing that someone in a “coconut” country dislikes them, when in reality, it’s simply a part of their culture to stay closed off initially.

While cultural differences and life-long fears may draw us apart, positive social outcomes as a result of these spontaneous interactions tend to draw us together. According to the Canadian Press (4), interactions with strangers "make you feel woven into the fabric of your neighbourhood or your community or your school". The creation of a stronger social fabric goes beyond just trying to boost morale, though — the World Health Organization links loneliness to over 100 deaths per hour. Social connections lead to not only better mental health, but also better physical health and a longer life. Additionally, even small talk with strangers helps us break stereotypes and biases that we may not even be aware of. Author Malcom Gladwell, from his book Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know about the People We Don’t Know, stated, “When we confront a stranger, we have to substitute an idea — a stereotype — for direct experience. And that stereotype is wrong all too often.” This can be seen through day-to-day interactions as well: take the case of piano player Daryl Davis. When he played at an all-white music venue in 1983, he was approached by a white man who told him “I really like y’all’s music. This is the first time I ever heard a black man play piano like Jerry Lee Lewis.” When the two men went out for drinks afterwards, Davis realized that the man who had just complimented his playing was a member of the Klu Klux Klan. However, the man continued to attend Davis’ shows due to this one interaction with a stranger, and he wasn’t the only one who did so. Over 200 members of the local KKK chapter were forced out due to their attendance at Davis’ shows, proving that when we see people as, well, people, instead of stereotypes, we become more empathetic and fight racial biases.

The benefits are far beyond that of society, though — conversations with strangers have ample opportunity to help us in our professional lives as well. When Google employee Rick Klau committed himself to increasing diversity in his workplace through adding more female colleagues on LinkedIn, attending conferences with more women and people of color, and ensuring everyone was included in conversations, he became a better employee. His perspective widened as he listened to more diverse viewpoints, and he better realized the blatant misogyny happening around him. But small talk with strangers goes beyond connecting with those of differing backgrounds; it sparks innovation as well. According to speaker Alan Gregerman (5), “Strangers can be our greatest source of new learning. The next breakthrough idea. The unexpected collaboration. The perspective that changes everything. The solution to your toughest challenge.” Because we surround ourselves with people who think and act like ourselves, exposing ourselves to more than that fosters innovation and collaboration alike.

So maybe it’s time to confront the reasons that we’re stuck in what NPR calls a “loneliness epidemic”. Stranger danger has created the pretense that all conversations with those we don’t know harm our well-being, when in fact, the opposite has proven itself to be true. While it may seem scary for several reasons, even a simple hello has the possibility to increase health, lengthen lifespan, and diversify social connections. Everyone currently in your life has started as a stranger: whether that be your parents, your best friend, or your third-grade archnemesis. And so I’d like to encourage you to give every stranger a chance — it’ll often turn out better than you could ever imagine.

References

1. https://www.bbc.com/future/article/20221026-why-talking-to-strangers-can-make-us-happier

2. https://www.apa.org/news/press/releases/2021/09/deep-conversations-strangers

3. https://erinmeyer.com/one-reason-cross-cultural-small-talk-is-so-tricky/

4. https://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/british-columbia/micro-relationships-and-talking-to-strangers-1.7636486#:~:text=A%20study%20by%20GenWell%2C%20based,neighbours%20daily%20or%20almost%20daily.

5. https://www.linkedin.com/posts/alan-gregerman-a33b236_strangers-are-our-greatest-source-of-new-activity-7365741273007153153-MNLv/

1.6.2026